sometimes memories are the best hunter to us. they hunt us non stop as long as we refuse to face them. we can pause them but to shut them down forever is never going to happen. no matter what it takes, they'll force us to make the playback and saw everything that had happened. again. we'll end up stressed and depressed and worse -- they can drive you crazy. a real mental disorder.
and you think there're way to stop the memories from hunting us?
since i fell sick i was unable to remember any memories from the past two years. it's not totally faded out but, they all got so blurry and i can't remember them well. it's a good thing by the way. i'd rather have them wiped away since remembering them just made me hurt.
but i was wrong.
the reason why i'm not fully recovered spiritually is because i blocked the memories. whenever they pop up in my head, i didn't let them flowed. i thought if i blocked them from attacking me emotionally, i'd be okay. but things didn't seem to work like i thought it should be.
alhamdulillah for siti ainum being a cartoon-maniac and emo-maniac. good cartoon always makes me cry as i put all of emotions when i watched them. they give me a lot of things to learn. well, i just finished watching Avatar : The Legend of Korra. and of course i got something.
when korra was captured by the red lotus and being poisoned by them, she had a bad injury physically and spiritually. she's unable to run from her worst past, the time when she almost killed by zaheer the leader of the red lotus. she couldn't go to the spirit world as she didn't find peace, her emotions was out of balance. in order to overcome her fear towards zaheer, korra and mako went to meet him in the prison.
zaheer helped to lead korra to enter the spirit world. but the journey needs her to face her fear once and for all. when the memory of her battle with zaheer replayed, she refuse to take it.
"let it play out."
"you can. accept what had happened to you. don't fear what might have been. don't be afraid. hold on."
and she made it. enemies do teach us a big lesson. avatar series never failed to impress me. aang series taught me a lot about wisdom but, korra gave me many solutions. and i need them both.
i learn a lot from that scene. there are times when we refuse the reality. because reality hurts. it's hard to accept what had happened in a way you never expected.
"that poison should have killed you but, you're able to fight it off. you think your power has limits. i say it's limitless." - zaheer to korra
"i know i was in a pretty dark place after i was poisoned but, i've finally understand why i had to go through all that. i need to do understand what true suffering was. so, i could become more compassionate to others even to people like kuvira." - korra to tenzin
i need to understand what true suffering was..
Ya Allah. i don't question Your deed. i know it's just a test to decrease my infinity sins. but, i can't deny that it hurts so much too. i too tired i could die. but with this ilham given tonight, i just can pray that i won't block the haunted memories anymore. i need to let them flow in order to gain inner peace.
i don't care if tomorrow i'll have a break down again because i know healing needs process. may the day will come, when i read this entry again and say ;
"i made it. i passed the test. i've found sakinah."
Ya Allah. i know You'll make it to happen. one day. i'll give my full attempt to get over this and the rest is Yours -- i'm learning to accept what had happened and what is happening and insyaAllah what will happen.
i trust that Your plans are always the best for me.
she looked so strong back then :)
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akhirnya kau sembuh.