Saturday, July 22, 2017

I need a little room to pray, because I'm one step closer to the edge and I'm about to break.

i wrote about depression in my previous entry. wallahi, depression can kill. please, don't say anything rubbish if you never once been there. depression means all you can see is eternal escape -- death. all the doors lead you to just think to die. hope? no, we abandoned it already. 

the past years were hard. i clearly remember how i plead for death because i was so terribly extremely tired. the feeling is like you're drowning in a deep sea. you saw nothing to hold. you saw no one to ask for help. they may think you're fooling around. they may think you're just swimming. well, that's what you think they think. however, it's still hard to reach to people around us. it's not easy to spill the depressing thought out to others even to the closest one. i don't know what we're afraid of. i have no idea why it's so hard to share the deepest feeling which killing you inside and destroyed you once you're out of balance. 

alhamdulillah for me being a muslim. islam is a deen of hope, no doubt. islam gave bilal bin rabah the feeling of being appreciated even though he's a slave. islam gave sumayyah the feeling of being protected even though she's going to be tortured to death. alhamdulillah 'ala hadzihi ni'mah. 

yes, we did feel like giving up life. we did feel like abandoning hope. we feel like leaving everything behind. but, we just can't. the iman inside us won't let us. we may be lost the fights a hundred time but, we just can't give up life. being a muslim, believing in the judgment day is a must. so, knowing the fact dunya isn't permanent, why bother dying for temporary feelings? temporary, yes. even it took me years. still, it's not permanent. akhirah is a guarantee. cutting yourself won't help you get any better. islam forbids us to take other's life (homicide) and your own life (suicide).

if depression is a monster, you need to be your own ultraman. people can help. people do care (for those who care). people can give you motivations. but the one who have to save you is you. only you. hanya kau. sirf tum. anta wahid. people can talk, but you need to do the walk. if you refuse to even get up from the monster bed, it'll kill you, minutes by minutes. it's okay if you die fighting. at least you tried. your death won't be unworthy. 

almost a year i've lived in a situation where i was down at heart and down to earth. depression killed me. until one day i met kak zura by co-incidence. and she told me what i might become if i keep drowning myself in depression. i might be crazy if i continue behaving like that. yes, i know it's not impossible because i admit i was too depressed and i lost hope. after having some talk with kak zura -- i changed. trying to embrace the pain given. and i can feel that i'm happy. i no longer lived in depression and start making peace with الله . redha is not a mere utter, i learn a lot. (( ainum, 2015 ))

i dare to say this because i've been dealing with that monster. and i survived alhamdulillah. hasbunallah wa ni'mal wakīl. no one can bring dead people back to life except for الله . i used 'dead people' because yes, we did feel like a living corpse. we're dying and nobody noticed. so, ask for الله's help. people can judge you for what you feel. and الله for sure the ultimate judge but, الله will help us. الله will bring you up. الله will give you the super power to defeat the monster. الله will help you to go through the pain. in the end, along with manage to defeat the monster successfully, depression survivor will gain something more (the best of the best) -- taqarrub billah. you will feel الله's presence more. you will hold onto الله tighter than before. the depression experience will be your best tarbiyah journey. then which of الله's favor would you deny? 

if i can survive, so do you. 💚

today is terribly sad
because chester is not only an artist
because linkin park is not only a band
not only a favorite one

linkin park is a company
linkin park is different
that's why the news was hard to accept

i feel like losing someone who's always beside me
and the saddest part is knowing he committed suicide due to depression

"when i'm writing, i'm constantly thinking about myself because it's the only experience i have to draw on. and i don't see an exact reflection of myself in every face in the audience, but i know that my songs have validity to them and that's why the fans are there." - chester bennington

thanks for being there when I had my hard times (and also any-time) when i was a teenager. your screaming comforted me somehow, which until now i have no idea how a scream can be such comforting. and now i'm crying listening to your songs. what have you done, man? 

you will stay in memory
chester bennington
1976 - 2017


  1. Terima kasih, Anum sebab guna lagu ni sebagai lagu background blog. My favorite. Rasa tenang je bila datang sini :)

    1. saya ingat nak delete background sound ni sejak scmplayer problem. tapi sebab akak takpelah, saya usahakan untuk letak :D kikiki


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